Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
tell me about the fingering
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