the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
