I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
