The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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