I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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