We're like a lot better than the average bears
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
