You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
