hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
