I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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