Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
