...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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