Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
