I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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