So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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