they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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