So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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