i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
