You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
