he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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