so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
