the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
