She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
