I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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