you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
