Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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