you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
