We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
false alarm, still single
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
