I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
