Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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