if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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