So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
