What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
