1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
