Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
