hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
