If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
