You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
