FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
