She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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