I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Randomize
