Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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