I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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