I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
