Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
