He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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