They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
