if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I think my vagina is haunted
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
