I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
