Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Randomize
