last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
