The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
